Tuesday, September 28, 2010

let's try this again...

there's a teensy weensy baby in there!

i am 9 weeks pregnant.
since, last pregnancy, i found out at 16 weeks that i had miscarried an 8 week baby, i contacted my midwife and asked her how soon i could be reassured that all was ok. she said that she could detect heart tones at 10-12 weeks, but that i could get an ultrasound starting at 8 weeks. so last week, i went to get an ultrasound, and saw the most beautiful sight: a heartbeat. and that fluttering little heart almost made my own heart explode as i cried tears of joy. and a weight lifted off of my chest, and i felt like i could breath again.
i never thought i could keep quiet about a pregnancy, but keeping this a secret for a little while was not hard. when we found out that we were pregnant again, we were excited and hopeful. i continually welcomed this new child into my womb, my body, my life. but both of our hearts were still too tender. we decided not to tell anyone for the first trimester, or at least until we found out it was ok. and so for weeks i kept to myself and felt a sense of dread and worry that was almost overwhelming. i didn't want to hear anyone's worries or concerns for me, because i had plenty enough of my own.
but a dear older lady told me that i had to deal with my fear and start celebrating this life that had begun in me. i have to stop saying "if something goes wrong" or "as long as everything goes ok" or "well, if i even have this baby". because regardless of the outcome, there is a life that has begun, that is valued by our Father, that is inside of me. right now. and i have to acknowledge it and celebrate it.
and that rebuke has begun to set me straight. after hearing that everything in there looks perfect and healthy and just as it should, we decided that our friend was right. we needed to start telling people and rejoicing in what the Lord has done for us. after i miscarried He gave me this promise: "..I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Gen. 28:15)
this summer was awful. i feel like i haven't even been here--anywhere--like i've just been floating through it. and i'm not sure where all that time went. it's just out there somewhere in the great abyss i suppose. so i apologize to you, my friends, if i have been distant--or completely absent. i'm getting back to my life again.
and i feel confident that this is God's promise fulfillled. i believe that i will have a baby in my arms in early May.
and i even think that it's a boy...

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