Wednesday, June 23, 2010

this is a broken heart

i'm the kind of person who retreats when i'm hurting. i don't do good with words. i do good alone in my head, and when i write. so i'm going to try to write and process this miscarriage, although i'm not entirely sure what to say yet.
it happens all the time, and yet i never thought it would happen to me. ever. i never even considered it. especially after my nearly perfect last pregnancy and birth. i'm healthy, i take care of myself...
I remember before i got pregnant with my son, one of our friends had a miscarriage in her 6th month. it was a surprise pregnancy. her two children were already 19 and 21, but she and her family and friends were ecstatic about this new little one. i felt sad for her, and kept her in my prayers, but my husband and I never really did much to show our condolences or to be there for her, or even to let her know how sorry we were. part of me just didn't know what to say, and the other part of me didn't know what a huge deal it is. when i got pregnant with my son I remembered what she had gone through and I finally got it, and I felt awful for my lack of concern for her. i still feel awful.

and this--experiencing it myself--it is crushing. i just didn't know it hurt this much--emotionally. the pain is overwhelming.

our sweet baby only made it to 8 weeks. i found this out at 16 weeks.
what hurts the most is that i had dreams in my heart for this baby. for four months i had been making plans, knowing that he or she would be born close to my son's 2nd birthday. i couldn't wait to watch him be a big brother and take care of his new little baby. we talked all day about the baby in mama's belly, and he knew to point to my belly and say baby and lift up my shirt and look for it. i knew when the baby would learn to sit up, and to crawl and to walk. i listened to songs about our growing family.
i loved this new baby. and i couldn't wait to hold it in my arms.
but now i won't hold this baby in my arms.
and that is devastating.

i don't think this blog post will ever communicate the pain that i am feeling. hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. my heart is VERY sick right now. my heart is very broken right now.

yet, through all of these feelings and emotions, i am finding so much strength in the Lord. my sweet sister said that i would feel everyones prayers, and she was right. i feel so much comfort. and somehow, my mind and heart are focusing on the truth. the truth is that
God is Sovereign.
He alone can restore my heart.
and He has already begun. I can literally feel my Father's arms around me at all times right now like never before. how does He do that? how can i feel anything but pain in a time like this? He knows my hurt and my pain. and He cares.
He is my Comforter.
and God alone is Lord over life. We can't control things no matter how much we want to. But decisions over life and death really are best left to Him. a friend shared this verse, which has meant a lot. Isaiah 57:1 explains "The righteous man perishes, and no man takes it to heart; And devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from evil." we can't know what the Lord was saving this baby from. and to think the God actually loves our children more than we do--it is impossible to comprehend, but at the same time such a wonderful thought. He really has their best interest at heart. He has our best interest at heart.
and while I might not ever get to hold this baby (in this life), the baby was born straight into Heaven! imagine that! straight into the arms of our Father. I can feel His arms around my baby just as I can feel His arms around me.

these are truths that i know and believe. i have trusted Him and clinged to Him more than i ever thought possible during this time. He alone can restore me. He alone.

and so i cry a lot of tears, and i keep praising God. it is all that I know to do. it is all that my hurting soul and my broken heart know to do.
i keep one song on repeat. it's by Hillsong, and some of the lyrics say:

In the quiet
in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of your presence
I know there I am restored....

In the chaos and confusion
I know You're Sovereign still
in the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

There is no one else for me
none but Jesus
crucified to set me free
now I live to bring Him praise

all of my HOPE
all of my STRENGTH
all my delight is in You, Lord

it is true. ALL my delight....

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