holding onto Joy

my Amani

when I first got pregnant, there was a day when little mna looked at my belly and said "Amani! Amani!" i only recognized that word because i knew that word. it's a Kenyan word, and i only knew that because my sweet friend and college roomate, Raechel, moved to Kenya after college to work in a center for refugee women and the name of the center was Amani. i told my husband about the experience--could he have just named our baby?--and little man continued to say it at random times throughout my pregnancy.

tuesday morning we got in the car to go to get the ultrasound that would ultimately tell me that we had lost our baby. i woke up that morning already knowing what was going to happen, and i was terrified. the minute that we pulled out of the driveway, my son said "Amani!" over and over again for about a minute. and i wept.

so when we found out what had happened, my husband and I agreed that our baby's name is Amani, and it gave us comfort to think of our Amani up in heaven in the arms of God....

i knew my body still hadn't gone through the miscarriage. the baby, the sac, the placenta--everything in my uterus had to come out. my midwife told me that i would get labor contractions and that it would feel like childbirth, and be just as intense. i didn't quite believe her, but waited for some type of cramping to begin.

when it didn't, i decided to set a doctor's appointment to get a D&C, which is procedure where they give you anesthesia, dialate your cervix and use a device to suck and scrape everything out of your uterus. i usually prefer the most natural route, but at this point i just wanted it to all be over.

a girl that i know who had a miscarriage, and a D&C, told me that funeral homes will pick up the remains of the baby and cremate them for free. she and her husband had that done and they felt that burying the ashes gave them a bit of closure and peace. i decided that sounded nice, and planned to do so myself.

at the doctor's office, i was given a very thorough ultrasound. she told me that my body had already begun the process, and that the baby was already gone. i decided to go home and let my body finish what it had begun. i continued to rub clary sage and lavender oils on my belly at the urging of my doula, and drink red raspberry leaf tea day and night to prepare my uterus (red raspberry leaf tea is what i swear made my last labor so short, i drank it three times a day in my last trimester). by nighttime, contractions had began. i went to sleep, but at 3 am the intensity of the contractions began to wake me from my sleep. i was still able to sleep in between contractions. at 5 am i could no longer lay down, i had to get up and move my body into the positions that it told me to get in. as the pain intensified, it occurred to me that i didn't really know what i was trying to do. i had been so prepared for childbirth. i knew exactly what to expect, and exactly what to do at each point of labor. but now i didn't have a baby to push out. what was the point of this? was i supposed to eventually push? i needed a goal, and searched frantically on my iphone internet for some clue. for the first time i found first hand accounts of miscarriages and realized that it really is like childbirth for a lot of women who are further along. finally i found a woman that said a huge glob of something came out of her and then it was over. so i sat down on the toilet in the most intense pain that a human being can ever feel, and breathed through the ever intensifying contractions, told God over and over again that I couldn't handle it anymore, and waited for the huge glob. at 6:15 it finally came and I had officially labored (naturally) twice in my life. my entire body shook for 20 minutes and i cried because i didn't have a baby in my arms.

but i still had peace.

after my visit with the doctor, my husband called and what he said changed the course of my grieving: "this might sound weird, but i had this thought--this overwhelming feeling--that our baby isn't going to stay in heaven. the baby is going to be given back to us again!". Peace flooded over me like a waterfall, and I knew that was the reason that the baby was already gone in the ultrasound. i wasn't able to put it in the ground and close that chapter, because it isn't over. Amani is in heaven right now with my Father, being ministered to and loved on, and very soon (hopefully just a few months), I will have Amani back with me again. this might sound strange, but i believe it with all my heart. our next child's middle name might be Amani, to honor who he or she is, and the special journey they took back to the heart of the Father for a little while.

God has been amazingly gracious to me during this time. i keep using the words "comfort" and "strength" and "peace" because i don't have any better words to describe what i have felt these past few days. i would never have imagined i could feel those things during a time like this, but that's just the kind of Father that we have. i have been wrapped in His love, and i have not pushed it away. i have embraced it, and clinged to it for dear life.

and now I wait longingly for my Amani to return to me.

Amani means Peace.

how fitting

this is a broken heart

i'm the kind of person who retreats when i'm hurting. i don't do good with words. i do good alone in my head, and when i write. so i'm going to try to write and process this miscarriage, although i'm not entirely sure what to say yet.

....miscarriage....

it happens all the time, and yet i never thought it would happen to me. ever. i never even considered it. especially after my nearly perfect last pregnancy and birth. i'm healthy, i take care of myself...

I remember before i got pregnant with my son, one of our friends had a miscarriage in her 6th month. it was a surprise pregnancy. her two children were already 19 and 21, but she and her family and friends were ecstatic about this new little one. i felt sad for her, and kept her in my prayers, but my husband and I never really did much to show our condolences or to be there for her, or even to let her know how sorry we were. part of me just didn't know what to say, and the other part of me didn't know what a huge deal it is. when i got pregnant with my son I remembered what she had gone through and I finally got it, and I felt awful for my lack of concern for her. i still feel awful.

and this--experiencing it myself--it is crushing. i just didn't know it hurt this much--emotionally. the pain is overwhelming.

our sweet baby only made it to 8 weeks. i found this out at 16 weeks.

what hurts the most is that i had dreams in my heart for this baby. for four months i had been making plans, knowing that he or she would be born close to my son's 2nd birthday. i couldn't wait to watch him be a big brother and take care of his new little baby. we talked all day about the baby in mama's belly, and he knew to point to my belly and say baby and lift up my shirt and look for it. i knew when the baby would learn to sit up, and to crawl and to walk. i listened to songs about our growing family.

i loved this new baby. and i couldn't wait to hold it in my arms.

but now i won't hold this baby in my arms.

and that is devastating.

i don't think this blog post will ever communicate the pain that i am feeling. hope deferred makes the heart grow sick. my heart is VERY sick right now. my heart is very broken right now.

yet, through all of these feelings and emotions, i am finding so much strength in the Lord. my sweet sister said that i would feel everyones prayers, and she was right. i feel so much comfort. and somehow, my mind and heart are focusing on the truth. the truth is that

God is Sovereign.

He alone can restore my heart.

and He has already begun. I can literally feel my Father's arms around me at all times right now like never before. how does He do that? how can i feel anything but pain in a time like this? He knows my hurt and my pain. and He cares.

He is my Comforter.

and God alone is Lord over life. We can't control things no matter how much we want to. But decisions over life and death really are best left to Him. a friend shared this verse, which has meant a lot. Isaiah 57:1 explains "The righteous man perishes, and no man takes it to heart; And devout men are taken away, while no one understands. For the righteous man is taken away from evil." we can't know what the Lord was saving this baby from. and to think the God actually loves our children more than we do--it is impossible to comprehend, but at the same time such a wonderful thought. He really has their best interest at heart. He has our best interest at heart.

and while I might not ever get to hold this baby (in this life), the baby was born straight into Heaven! imagine that! straight into the arms of our Father. I can feel His arms around my baby just as I can feel His arms around me.

these are truths that i know and believe. i have trusted Him and clinged to Him more than i ever thought possible during this time. He alone can restore me. He alone.

and so i cry a lot of tears, and i keep praising God. it is all that I know to do. it is all that my hurting soul and my broken heart know to do.

i keep one song on repeat. it's by Hillsong, and some of the lyrics say:

In the quiet

in the stillness

I know that You are God

In the secret of your presence

I know there I am restored....

In the chaos and confusion

I know You're Sovereign still

in the moment of my weakness

You give me grace to do Your will

There is no one else for me

none but Jesus

crucified to set me free

now I live to bring Him praise

ALL MY DELIGHT IS IN YOU, LORD

all of my HOPE

all of my STRENGTH

all my delight is in You, Lord

forevermore

it is true. ALL my delight....

green smoothie revolution!

have you heard about 'green smoothies'? This is the newest craze in our family.

They were developed by raw food pioneer, chef and auther, Victoria Boutenko, (wrote "Green Smoothie Revolution") and they provide endless health benefits! One of the most important things lacking from our diets is usually dark leafy greens. And once blended, they are even more easily digested by your system, allowing your body to get even more of the nutrients out of them (plus they are raw in the smoothie, not cooked so they retain all their nutritional value).

Ok, so here's some of the benefits of green smoothies, just to name a FEW:
1. According to Victoria Boutenko in her book, 12 Steps to Raw Foods, "when blended well, most of the cell walls in the greens and fruits are ruptured, making the valuable nutrients easy for the body to assimilate. Green smoothies literally start to get absorbed in your mouth."
2. They are full of fiber which is very important for good colon ecology and elimination of waste.
3. They are chlorophyll rich. Chlorophyll is the blood of the plant and it is the molecule that most closely resembles human blood. It purifies our blood. It fights bad breath and bad body odor. It is an immune enhancer. It can help to correct anemia. It will rejuvenate your body.
4. They give you much more than the minimal requirements of fruits and veggies recommended by the American Cancer Society.
5. They are high in antioxidants and phytochemicals.
6. They will help to bring down the acidity in your pH and make you more alkaline. Cancer does not grow in an alkaline body. In fact, most disease grows in an acid environment




There are so many ways you can make your green smoothie, so you should definitely experiment to find your favorites. As a general rule, start out using 40% greens (spinach, collard greens, romaine lettuce, kale greens....anything green!) and 60% fruit. But, I do have a suggestion for getting started. Actually it's how i make my smoothie every day. I use about a handful of spinach and 2 bananas and some water. Something about the bananas and the spinach makes it taste so smooth and almost like nothing. You can add honey or real maple syrup if you need it, or just add more banana. You might have to tinker with it to get it perfect.
***note: do not use spinach every day. spinach has phytates in it, which blocks the absorption of iron. (soy has the most phytates of anything ever, one of the 1,000 reasons not to drink/eat soy)
So try it if you are interested! You might not need your cup of coffee anymore in the morning from all the extra energy you'll have! Even Ndi LOVES them and begs for more!

#2

my excuse for being absent for so darn long is simple: mommydom

little man has entered a new stage in his childhood: bonafide toddler. and toddlers require lots of attention. especially in early toddler-hood when you just don't know what they might try to do when you aren't looking. i think the older they get the more trust you can bestow on them. but it's been months since i made something with my hands, or finished a book, or blogged...i've been quite unproductive, yet in the busy-ness i honestly haven't noticed.

so i have my mind set to get back into my old habits, and be better about creating 'me' time. until then, i have one big piece of news,

we're having baby #2 in early december! yes, another december baby, which i can honestly say was an accident. i mean, who tries to have a baby in december? i was born 2 days after christmas and vowed my entire life that i would never have Christmas babies. but after much thought, i've realized all the perks of God's perfect timing.

#1: it's early december, not late. thank you Lord. little toddler man will turn 2 just a week or 2 after the baby is born. i think the age difference is perfect, and i want to plan a huge birthday for him so that he feels extra special! 

#2: same timing as last baby means that all my pregnancy clothes will fit me at just the right times!

#3: the longest (well, only) break we get in the music industry is Christmas time. and thanksgiving is right before. it makes it easier for music man to be around and for us all to be together and for me to rest!

#4: i love winter babies. their first summertime they can sit up in the sand. second summertime they are walking. and they usually learn to walk during the winter (ie. falling down on carpet is much better than concrete) plus mama has enough time to get that butt and tummy ready for bathing suit season (with the help of breastfeeding and P90X)

i'm so excited to watch my little man become a big brother. I have to admit that it's hard for me to imagine another baby in the picture. i'm so obsessed with my son and focused on him 24/7 that some days i forget i'm even pregnant. but i've heard about the miracle of your heart growing as soon as the baby is born and suddenly you have enough love for both. i know i will adore this new little one, and i know little man will too. he loves babies. don't get me wrong, he is all-boy and very intense most of the time, but he has this soft side to him that makes him love to hug and kiss his mama and daddy, and kiss his toys and stuffed animals...and babies. so i'm hoping that this transition will be a smooth one.

speaking of transitions, last week we stayed home from tour so that i could sleep train the little guy. i think that it is my first real Mama-feat. i was so terrified to let him cry and for us to go through it, but he went through it beautifully (ok, so it was really hard the first night) and by night #3 he was falling right to sleep and sleeping 12 hours straight without waking to nurse, and that is how he sleeps now!

oh but the comment about somedays forgetting i'm pregnant--that has been getting progressively harder now that nausea has officially set in. most days i wake up and count the hours i have left until bedtime. it's pretty horrible. i don't know why this is necessary, but at least i know the baby is thriving with all these hormones making me sick all day and crying quite often over nothings. and to make matters worse my son caught a stomach virus this past weekend.

it.was.horrendous.

1st day consisted of 16 hours of vomitting every 10-30 minutes, coupled with diarrhea. somewhere in the middle of that Riley ran away. i was all alone with a vomitting child, worried my dog was about to die, and I had a serious breakdown. i'm talking break.down. i was sobbing so hard i couldn't even talk, but managed to call the hubs, who called his buddy to come help me, who then called my friend. she had already offered to come over earlier that morning, but i told her it wasn't necessary. now it was necessary. riley came back (she always does). and so my friend left her 3 kids with her husband and came over to the friend that i needed that day. it's amazing how things were suddenly 95% better just having her there with me. later we drove him to urgent care, who sent us away to go to the ER, but when we got there he sorta perked up and seemed better so we took him home instead. he stopped vomitting at 7:30pm and he went to sleep and slept all night. next day the vomitting had stopped but he developed a really high fever, and then he laid in my bed without moving for 4 hours. it was so scary to see him like that, that i just had to take him to the ER. when they finally gave us a room, that same friend of mine walked in unannounced. she was worried and wanted to come sit with us. i honestly would never have known how much her gestures could mean to someone. but she knew how i felt. she had been there before. being pregnant makes everything a bigger deal, and she didn't want me to be pregnant with a violently ill child alone. i will be eternally grateful to her for that. and will certainly give the favor to other friends in that position as well.

his fever eventually broke and he was sent home. he still has diarrhea and is only just now starting to eat solid foods again, but he is on the mend. i however am not. i am sick as a dog most days, and had to stay back from tour, again. music man left last night amidst my tears and sorrow thinking of how we might not see him for another 2 weeks, and that's if i'm better by then! i hate being away from him, and i hate hate hate hearing little man ask for his daddy all day long. it breaks my heart.

so, let the countdown to 2nd trimester begin! (and prayers are much appreciated)

down on the farm

when i was younger and my parents divorced i spent every other weekend with my dad, my step mom, my step brother (my age) and my step sister (one year younger than me). his wife's parents lived about a half mile away on a farm, in an old historic home that was built around the time of the civil war. i spent as much time there as i could. they had horses, chickens, rabbits, and dogs. we rode the horses as much as possible (i got thrown off a horse for the first time on one of our trail rides), there were kid-sized motorcycles we played with, a zip-line, a barn, acres of woods, the list goes on. but what i mostly remember about my times at the farm is exploring off on my own. i remember getting dirty and no one caring. i remember the feeling of mud and horse manure under my feet. learning the smell of the barn and hay, the horses, the chicken feed, the grass....i can still smell them today. i remember watching how the mama rabbits cared for their newborns, and eagerly waiting for them to turn 6 weeks so i could bring one home to my mom's house. i watched newborn horses grow into adults. i tried to nurse birds back to health after the boys shot them...

i also went to horseback riding summer camps, and later in college i lived on a farm with horses, goats, pigs, chickens and lots of dogs (we trained service dogs for handicapped people). and so i learned how to ride a horse properly, and to care for them. as well as the other animals....and that is the story of how a suburbian kid haphazardly learned how to be a farm girl as well.

that farm i once knew has since been turned into a shiny new neighborhood in Cobb County. a few years ago they sold their land and moved to a different farm. shortly after, my step-mom's father passed away. her mother lives in their new home with a few of her sons on the same property. during my Atlanta visit a couple weeks ago, we went out to visit the place. there are only 3 horses now, and 2 chickens, but the land is beautiful and the house is country and homey, as it always was. little man loved every bit of it and even rode in a battery-powered kids truck with my step niece, sort of like we used to do.

being there with my son reminded me how important the outdoors is for kids. and it reminded me how much i long for him to have the opportunities that i had at being in the great outdoors. i want him to have a chance to gain from the natural earth what i was able to. to love the earth and be grateful for what it gives us, to empathize with animals and be thankful to them for what they give us. i want him to learn the smells and the language of animals, and how to care for them. i want him to feel the power of a horse beneath his saddle. i want him to build forts and throw dirt and gather chicken eggs and run wild in the open fields...all the while going to far far away lands in his imagination.

although we are city folks through and through, and we live on a bus and the world is our home, deep down i know i'll find a way to fit it into my children's lives. it's too important not to.

stuck apart

the bus pulled out of charlotte on february 10th, and i relunctantly chose to stay home for a break, thinking we'd fly out to meet them after a week or so. well a week turned into "oh i should stay home for my Mama's 60th (!!!!) bday on March 2" and then "oh i guess we should wait til the bus comes back through charlotte on march 7-8". and so here we are, our family stuck apart, missing one another terribly. but through it all we have learned a valuable lesson: breaks must only be one week, 10 days max. we can't handle any more than that. i am actually longing to be back on that bus right now, and the look in nile's eyes when he says "daddy" is breaking my heart. i guess God knew this is what we needed.

while home i will have managed to be involved with 4 birthdays that i wouldn't have wanted to miss. my niece turned 9 on Valentine's Day, my brother turned 36 the next day, my little love that i used to nanny turned 4 a few days later, and next week my dear Mama hits 60.

i also chose to spend a few days in Atlanta, where i was desperately overdue for a visit, to see some people that I love and miss dearly. my dad and step-mom and step-siblings and step-niece, my 2 grandmothers, Whitney, Katie and Lucy! i'll spend the weekend with my mom for her bday weekend. my grandmother makes her the same ice cream cake every year (yummy:)

when i get home i have only one more thing to mark off my to-do list and i will have accomplished all of the cleaning out and organizing around the house that i had wanted to do while off tour. and that.feels.good.