west coast fav

if portland wasn't on the other side of the country from everyone that i love, i would move there tomorrow.

a few reasons to love portland, oregon (i haven't discovered all the other ones yet!):

1. it's the #1 Greenest City in America! Half its power comes form renewable sources, a quarter of the workforce commutes by bike, carpool or public transportation, and it has 35 buildings certified by the U.S. Green Building Council.

2. water

3. mountains

4. Old Town

5. Stumptown Coffee

blowing rock

little man and I just came back from a mountain getaway with my brother, his wife and my niece (who is my son's age)...filled with apple picking, crisp fall air, and night-time chats by the wood-burning fireplace. we had been talking about a fall mountain weekend ever since they moved back south and my sister knew that she would be mourning the loss of a New England Autumn. so we were a bit bummed that the leaves hadn't started changing AT ALL, but that was the only thing that wasn't perfect about the trip, so we decided it didn't matter too much. and plus, my niece turned 2 (!!!) on Saturday, which was so fun to celebrate.

we rented the cutest cabin in Blowing Rcok, NC. the views from the backyard were breathtaking, the cabin was cozy and quaint with everything we needed, and the backyard even had a fire pit where we roasted marshmallows and sang songs with the kids (while they held on to us for dear life, scared of the "real, real hot" fire) most importantly, little man fell in love with his cousin. they are the best of friends!

Blowing Rock is known to be and has been voted "Prettiest town in North Carolina" and it really is. And only 13 minutes down the road is Boone, NC where Appalachian State University and everything young and hippie is (great shops, great food).

let's try this again...

there's a teensy weensy baby in there!

i am 9 weeks pregnant.

since, last pregnancy, i found out at 16 weeks that i had miscarried an 8 week baby, i contacted my midwife and asked her how soon i could be reassured that all was ok. she said that she could detect heart tones at 10-12 weeks, but that i could get an ultrasound starting at 8 weeks. so last week, i went to get an ultrasound, and saw the most beautiful sight: a heartbeat. and that fluttering little heart almost made my own heart explode as i cried tears of joy. and a weight lifted off of my chest, and i felt like i could breath again.

i never thought i could keep quiet about a pregnancy, but keeping this a secret for a little while was not hard. when we found out that we were pregnant again, we were excited and hopeful. i continually welcomed this new child into my womb, my body, my life. but both of our hearts were still too tender. we decided not to tell anyone for the first trimester, or at least until we found out it was ok. and so for weeks i kept to myself and felt a sense of dread and worry that was almost overwhelming. i didn't want to hear anyone's worries or concerns for me, because i had plenty enough of my own.

but a dear older lady told me that i had to deal with my fear and start celebrating this life that had begun in me. i have to stop saying "if something goes wrong" or "as long as everything goes ok" or "well, if i even have this baby". because regardless of the outcome, there is a life that has begun, that is valued by our Father, that is inside of me. right now. and i have to acknowledge it and celebrate it.

and that rebuke has begun to set me straight. after hearing that everything in there looks perfect and healthy and just as it should, we decided that our friend was right. we needed to start telling people and rejoicing in what the Lord has done for us. after i miscarried He gave me this promise: "..I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." (Gen. 28:15)

this summer was awful. i feel like i haven't even been here--anywhere--like i've just been floating through it. and i'm not sure where all that time went. it's just out there somewhere in the great abyss i suppose. so i apologize to you, my friends, if i have been distant--or completely absent. i'm getting back to my life again.

and i feel confident that this is God's promise fulfillled. i believe that i will have a baby in my arms in early May.

and i even think that it's a boy...

our move

right now i'm in atlanta at my dad's getting ready to leave my dog here for the next few months. i know i am going to cry when i leave her. the last (and only) time that i had to live without her in the past 9 years of her life was in college, when she lived with my mom for 2 years. i never thought that i'd have to do this again. but here we are, and it's something that i feel like i need to for the sake of my family. i mean, honestly, we are always traveling. we have basically been paying a whole lot of rent to house our dog and her dogsitter, and it just isn't making sense anymore. so, we are moving to....

the suburbs! what?!

our good friends suggested that we move into their house. they have 3 kids (5, 3, and 1 1/2), who i'm pretty sure i've always loved as my own, and my son adores them. she has grown to be one of my closest friends, and music man actually lived with them before earlier in their marriage.

basically, it is going to be great. we are going to save money. they are going to save money. i will never be lonely when i'm off-tour without my husband. our days are going to revolve around doing creative activities with the kids, including some Montessori homeschool curriculum. the only real bummer is that we are moving out of our favorite neighborhood- the one that we've always lived in as a married couple. we are officially moving to the suburbs. and south carolina at that! but even that has a redemptive side--all of my mom friends and their kids live there. in fact, i don't think i have any friends left who still live in the city. they've all migrated south. so that's a plus.

and that's the scoop on our move. we'll be out of our home--the home that we brought our first son home to:(--in a few days, and moving into a new season. but praise God for new seasons, right!? the best is yet to come! :)

off

the bus is minutes from pulling into Charlotte. we have all of August off, and in september just a few of the guys have to fly around the country all month, so i won't be going.

meaning...i will be home for 2 months!

one of the guys has an "official" new girlfriend. she rode on the bus with us for a couple of days and then made an observation about our seemingly glamorous life on a tour bus...."um, this is camping."

how true that is. if i haven't expressed it enough before, let me do so now: it is not glamorous. this is camping.

and so, as much fun as it is to camp on a tour bus, i am looking forward to enjoying family life with my husband on land. we will be moving this month, which will begin a new season for our family. a fun and good season. (more details to come).

october will be here before we know it and back to the bus it will be!

holding on and letting go (or, toddlerhood begins)

times they are a-changin' in our little nest. Our sweet, calm, chill, laid-back, always happy baby boy turned into a toddler somewhere in the past few weeks, and he is growing more and more into the role with every passing day.

now, i'm not saying that he isn't still sweet, calm, chill, laid back and happy. he is. but there are new sides to him now. one minute he is holding my face in his hands, belly laughing and giving me kisses, and the next minute he is screaming and hitting me in the face as hard as he can.

i do feel for the little guy. i know he is struggling to learn his emotions and properly communicate them. i know he is having to learn the hard lessons that sometimes the answer is 'no' and that the world does not actually revolve around him. i knew this was inevitable, this stage. every child crosses into this time period when their mind is advanced beyond their communication level. he just doesn't know how to fully express what his feelings are and what he wants. and then sometimes he can express what he wants, but i tell him 'no' and he doesn't know how to handle that.

one of his latest things that i am just totally stuck with is this: he gets completely obsessed with 1 or 3 toys for a few days at a time. he carries them around with him everywhere and he can't sleep without them. it's cute. until he gets in this mood. he'll hold the toy and play with it and then all of the sudden he'll throw it to the ground out of frustration (from what? i couldn't tell you), only to be, seconds later, crying and whining because he wants the toy. this goes on all day, and sometimes even all night in his sleep. i cannot figure out what is going on and haven't really clue what to do about it. (if you have any insights or suggestions, please leave a comment!)

my husband and I have both agreed that this next month off we are really going to have to get on top of discipline and get it under control. we need to get on the same page, figure out what style of correction and teaching works best for him as an individual, and work the kinks out...

but as these kinks are getting worked out--can i be totally honest here?--i've been hit with the realization that i am far from a perfect mother. far from a perfect person. i find myself frustrated more that i'd like, losing patience more than i'd like. i find that i am not always the mother that i aim to be. grant it, it is usually at night time when i am just exhausted and missing out on much-needed sleep (don't we all get a bit cranky when woken in the middle of the night?). these moments are actually few and rare, and maybe i'm being a bit hard on myself. but i know that, left untouched, these things can grow into monsters in my life and slowly turn me into someone that i never want to be--possibly without me even noticing it. these tiny evidences of selfishness must be dealt with now. i am learning to be more patient. to be very very very patient. and to control my feelings of exhaustion and frustration and loss of control. and i think that is the root problem here--that i need to give up trying to always be in control. the fact is that my son is a human being--a tiny little man of a human being, but an individual none the less. and we cannot control others. our children must be led.

and so my days as of late have been filled with a plethora of emotions-- intense love, holding tight, needing space, laughing, sighing, praising, disciplining, playing hard, napping hard, happiness, strength, uncertainity, scratching my head, tiredness and--one minute i feel strong and proud, like i'm possibly starting to get this thing right, the next i feel stripped and weak and completely helpless--but through it all, a LOT of love. intense love.

i so strongly love this kid, and this day-to-day life i live with him. i love learning how to love him, and how to gently lead him. i love getting to know him, and getting to know me. i so badly want to be the best i can be for him.

oh, the things this little man is capable of doing to me!

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